Yep, I drew this picture. Feel free to feel it up and use anywhere U damn well please, just credit me. Yep, I put that dollar $ign in that headline cuz I don't know if Google is comprised of a bunch of conservative diks hiding under the guise of hipsters. Sure gives me that impression tho'. Now I don't really care for their politics either way, but I'll be damned if I'm gonna get censored by their spiders. Hello Big Brother!

Creepy thought: Is Google actual reality's Skynet? I mean, fux's sake, they do own a satellite...?!

So I've been busy learning about Blogger's new Widget rules. And the difference between 'Classic Template' and 'New Template' and how it all SUCKS SO MUCH AS$. Lemony Scent or Baby Powder Fresh Scent. Ribbed or unribbed. And for whose pleasure, may I ask??

Honestly, why can't they just say "Click here if you want our new dumb-as$-proof template you can add stupid useless distracting crap to!"

If your template is old-school, you shouldn't have to waste valuable time writing in new code telling the rest of the world what we obviously know. Eff~ing Google f~ux.

Get off your bouncy medicine balls and do your damn job! I can't believe some bald computer engineer foosball-playing douche in a turtleneck (I'm as$uming) is getting paid $100,000.00 + for this! Wasteful!

Bashing these douches can be exhausting, but they give me an endless supply of material for which to feed off of.

But lemme get to today's post. Been tweaking code endlessly with poor results so I haven't been posting as much as I'd like. For now, enjoy the following links that provide nothing short of eye-candy for the meager working classes. Weird furniture and buildings of the 21st century. And trust me, you don't have to be a designer to appreciate all this freaky goodness$!

• Freshome - Furniture/ Interiors/ Buildings that are weird as$ $h!t!

• Designspotter - Same $h!it a$ above, but weirder

• Apartment Therapy - Interior design (not 2B confused w/ interior decorating) They have NY, SF, LA, Chicago branches! But where's Miami?

• Cool Hunting - Getting weirder

• Cubeme - Even weirder

• MoCo Loco - Weirdest product design EVER

• Trendhunter Magazine - Not just design, but weird as f*** pop culture sheeats. U won't be disappointed

My attention span has beer reduced to sheer seconds, what with all the crazy sh*t going on lately, so! 4 all you like-minded freeks out there, I bestow upon thee da list dat will keep you busy for days!

If yer hand falls off from incessant clicking, don't blame me b!tch/ U on yer own.

• Linkinn.com - crazy-ass photo galleries. Mostly bikini babes, weird pics, funny animals and freaky photography

• Photobasement.com - It's still relatively new so there's not much on there yet, but it's still funny and, you'll probably see it all in about 3 hrs

• Fail Blog.org - exactly what it sounds like. Complete with video clips of p0wnage.
  

• sadguysontradingfloors.tumblr.com - NYSE stock traders who are shown with frowny faces

• Damn Cool Pics - my all-time favorite! Weirdest, craziest, lengthiest pic galleries set up into blog post formats, from around the world. Trust me, U will <3>

See, as much as I like reading in-depth detailed up to the hour breaking stories and intellectually stimulating journalistic crap, I have to balance it out with equally idiotic ADD fueled distractions. Two elements from each end of the spectrum. Balance. It's what harmony's all about my friends. And IDK what these links are about, but F%$^ it - it's funny!

• Mexican Muffin Tops
  
• My Roommate is A D!cK
• Odee.com
• People Collector.net
• Hot Chicks With Douchebags
  

2008 has been super turbulent for me in Katrina-esque proportions, but after some soul searching and an obligatory 17hr. road trip, I think I'm back on track and will get back to posting new newness again.


Ok, let's start off with a topic I recently bookmarked as Waste Time. Also known as, Pretend to Enrich Your Intellect With Stupid News Stories While Justifying To Mom & Dad You're Legitimate Need For $60.00/ mo. Broadband Service Because You Secretly Torrent Porn...

• Truemors.com - 10 eye grabbing headlines if you like reading brief weird-shit news
  
• Wallstreetfighter.com - Guy humor with financial headlines. Testosterone-driven and well written
• FARK.com - List of several headlines from diff. news media outlets. I LOVE that they're easily labeled under such headings as Hero, Interesting, Dumb, Scary, Strange, Weird, Dumbass, Asinine and my all-time fav, Florida! (when I saw that last one I was like, {Keanu Reeves} woah!)
  
• Photobasement.com - Recently discovered this little gem. Borrowed above pic from it. Fairly newness; seems promising; stay tuned
• Failblog.org - Many a photo captioned as fails. Self explanatory.

And as a treat for coming back to this site, I will post what will forever be known as

Happy Holidays for all the believers and non-believers!

Haven't written in a while but A) depression will do that do ya and
B) Quietly starting a revolution so bear with me. Forgiveness, forgiveness for the holiday season?!

Since I easily amuse, here's a few words I'd like to share with ya that made me smile like a newborn child, and cry tears like a fresh convict in a prison shower.

Assclown- You'd know if you ever met one

Douchebag- A classic, if you will

Geh Seki- It's a Korean word that literally means puppy, but meant to be used in form as asshole

Baka- Same as above but in Japanese and not a puppy

Fucktard- A compound word combo of fuck and retard

Gayhole- another compound word...guess what it's counterparts are?

And if that's not enough for ya, go to this website instead of sending a cheap Christmas card to some relative (you secretly hate) full of fake holiday cheer: http://www.youaredamned.com/

"If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb."
http://www.uselessfacts.ca/

Monkeys who light their farts...
http://www.engrish.com/detail.php?imagename=monkey-stix.jpg&category=Clothing&date=2004-09-13

"Turn your farts into ringtones!"
http://www.doonuts.com/category/1-movies/8026-new_fart_transmitter.html

Yep, this would be a second quiz for my other cyberspace personalities...You guys can copy & paste the questions and add it to your profiles if you wish. That's what I made it for, after all!


Here's my tailored version:

1. Would you be in a weird moral position if you had to do cross-way sex with a person with two heads?

Nah! I’m not obliged to morality

2. Did you bedazzle your electronic gadget?

Once but the damn things seem to peel off and Verizon Wireless had the sass to notify me that applying those rhinestones revokes the warranty. Yet now they sell them at their stores! Fuckers!

3. How are you today?

Pretty swell!

4. Are you the secret cause of your brother’s mental retardation?

I have only myself to blame.

5. What would be your theme song?

The midi to Galaga.

6. Is your dad limp-wristed?

No. Too arthritic and no affinity to Judy Garland. I checked. His closet.

7. How many lotto tickets would you buy with unlimited income?

Um, I’d stop at a $500.00 win. I’m not greedy

8. What kind of STD do you have, and how many people would you tell?

I don’t have any YET, but as soon as I know, I’ll post it on my super-secret blog! Gonohrreah; lol!

9. Favorite Top 3 drugs (herbal tea does not count- you pussy):

Naproxen, Caffeine, Codeine

10. When was the last time you shaved your pubes and did you do anything ‘special’ to them? Like a sort-of flower arrangement, perhaps?

I shaved a lighting bolt. I’ll dye them pink as soon as I can get a hold of that special pube-dye and photoshop a Christmas wreath around it as a card for the holidays- MERRY XMAS TO ALL!

11. Did you kick puppies/ kitties when you were a kid? C’mon, be honest; we won’t judge too harshly.

I kicked a weiner dog that kept trying to hump my leg. I kicked when no one was looking.

12. Dumbest use of money…GO!

A Casio keyboard. Various ineffective hair removal products.

13. If you could bitch-slap ANY celebrity with no limitations, which one?

Britney. It’s no secret I can’t stand mildly retarded people.

14. Raise your hands up if tha air if you have weak math skills?

How many is ‘arms’?

15. I grill_____.

Anything I can think of. No limits to my imagination.

16. I’m a douchebag because:

I gravitate towards the bad kind of people. You’d think I’d learn by now.

17. What part of your body would you enhance… and with what?

My corneas…with spatulas! My tits with Tap Lights! Well why not?!

18. Favorite board game…with TNT:

Connect 4 with C4-- BEEYATCH!

19. Favorite lesbian

My boyfriend

20. What would you do to lighten things up around here?

Buy everyone 3 rounds and watch the fireworks, heh-heh!

21. 3 Gayest things EVER…

The Notebook, the color Periwinkle, MTV shows.

22. Do people refer to you as ‘da baby-daddy’?

N / A

23. If I bought you a ghetto lunch, what would you order?

Lamb curry from the Golden Krust. It’s a real place I can assure you.

24. Favorite magic trick:

Making other people’s money disappear. BWAHAHAH!

25. What evil nanny would you hire to ‘watch’ your evil spawn?

The Bionic Woman can watch my brats if I had brats. She’d beat them into uncanny submission if I couldn’t get the job done. It’s ok, I’d have a great insurance plan by then.

26. Did you ever have to tell anyone to get out of your butt?

Ha, I should have!

27. Admit it! You’ve been to Canada!

NEVER! No really, never even been to Buffalo.

28. You got fired because…

I never got fired. Eat my dirt!

29. Is your home a home of Christ?

Says the crucifix on the wall.

30. Fill in this sentence: ___ ____ ____ Crack-Cocaine ____ _____ _____ ____ ____ ______.

Emmanuel Lewis and Crack-Cocaine would kill your huge f*cking erection.

31. What would your Tshirt say?

Why yes, I WILL be using these to my advantage!

32. Favorite polygon?

dodadecahedron

33. Play an instrument? And how gay is that?

The pan-flute is not so gay in DesMoines, thank you very much!

34. You worship…

2-ply toilet paper. Ask my A$$, get results!

35. SAT quiz...If pickles are nickels, then penises are…

I believe I failed this portion…miserably

36. I’m THUPER, ….!

THANKS FOR ATHKING!

37. I want to ___________ a horror movie.

”blow up a couple of clowns in”

38. Favorite piece of candy:

PoundCake because he’s all the candy-ass I’ll ever need.

39. If you could hop into the Delorian, where/when in time would you travel to?

1993 to tell myself to avoid the whole grunge look and start dressing more like a spring-break slut

40. If 8 is the square root of 64, then the square root of all evil is?

ME! Mimimimimimi meeeeeeeeeEEeEEeeee!

41. Quickly, assemble the following items in a McGuyver fashion: contact cement/ suppository/ wallstreet journal/ duct tape/ creamcheese bagel/ paperclips/ 2-way radio/ grapple-hook/ Rachel ray (for Dunkin Donuts)

I GOT A ---MY GOD! TERRI HATCHER?!

42. Alcohol of choice?

Long Island Ice Tea has all the alcohol I’ll ever need. While representing.

43. Antacid of choice?

Pepcid. Ahh pepcid. Your fizzy tablets addict me so.

44. What did you do when you had to scratch your genitals badly but were in public?

It involved ducking away from a monitored elevator, behind a pillar only to find a BIG security camera staring at my embarrassing magic trick of making half my arm disappear into my underwear.

45. With $45.00 I can________right now!

buy some really sh!tty weed, with more stems and seeds than actual oregano.

46. I would pierce…

My boyfriend’s c0ck n bAllz!

47. My extra-gay superhero name:

Klitora Hood of the waxed plains…VJ, the vajayjay and her trusty sidekick Kuntlina.

48. I own the entire season of ________ on DVD. I am lame.

I’m not telling

49. A sphincter-boy-says-what?

But a Horton-hears-a-who. What?!

50. And lastly, if you could do anything to change the world TO YOUR AMUSEMENT,---------ok GO!

Ship off every derelict I deem stupid off to Greenland. The end.

MOVIE REVIEWS!!! (DUNN-DUNN-DUUUUUHHNN!)

So I either paid for these or rented them on Netflix and will give my honest, humble opinion.

Now I live next to New York City so I can definitely justify whether to cough up $11.50 (price is the same within a 4-mile radius) on a movie inside a big-ass theater full of effing ghetto freaks who bring in their 40's, their Nextel walkie-talkie phones which they WILL NOT SHUT OFF DURING THE DAMN MOVIE, and all the dumb-fucks that bring newborn babies to an R-rated film and will not take the poor infant outside to deal with the endless crying!!! Hey, it's called a BABYSITTER you asshole! If you can't deal with parenting then don't have children! You give up your social life for the next several years once you have kids, didn't anyone counsel you on what it means to raise a family? IT'S A 24/7 JOB YOU DON'T WALK AWAY FROM! EVER!

I love you Netflix!

Star rating system next to title, 5 stars being the highest. So w/out further ado, my reviews:

Batman Versus the Dracula* * * (WARNING: SOME SPOILERS)

I actually bought this one since I love this version of the Batman cartoons. Love the drawing style, love the humor and razor-sharp wit of the characters, love the voice actors, you get the pic. For the money, I thought that the running time of 84 min. was better than most animated movies, and thought this was a good investment as I already liked the tv show. A no-brainer, right?

The basic plot is this: A prison con pretends to end up in Arkham Asylum to avoid a jail sentence for robbery. He hides his stash in a cemetery mausoleum and tries to enlist help from the inside, from the Penguin to Joker. There’s a breakout, and predictably both Joker and Penguin race each other to the loot. Joker gets sidetracked fighting Batman and Penguin goes hunting for the treasure, only to accidentally uncover a sleeping Dracula. Hilarious hijinks ensue, and Batman has to put a stop to it.

It sounds like an interesting idea. I thought it was corny to include the Vicky Vale character. (remember her from the 1989 Batman movie?) I suppose she’s the love interest here, but the tv show stresses the bachelorhood of Bruce Wayne so much it doesn’t make sense to include the old-time ‘rescue the fair maiden’ formula. In fact, it felt kinda useless and that was made obvious as she was depicted throughout the movie as the stood-up date, showing hardly any meaningful connection between the two, much less a love connection (judge for yourself); I got the impression she was a supporting character that just adds filler. (well duh!) But she might as well have been just another one of his random escorts; Tina, Tammy or Tiffany would suffice. She didn’t have to be named Vicky Vale, the character that assigns a more meaningful plot device. Her importance was effortlessly squandered in this movie, but as a fan I hope to see more appearances by her even in the tv show.

The plot, the witty dialogue and sense of comedic timing of the animated characters is enough on it’s own to give strength to the movie. Highlights include Dracula crashing a Bruce Wayne party, Batman’s first introduction to Dracula, and The Joker’s rebirth as a ghoul. The final battle between the Dark Knight and the blood-sucker was tepid, but ok. But by the last two scenes I just felt that all the energy that was building up throughout the movie was all but zapped out like a deflating balloon. I won’t spoil the ending but let’s just say that the last two scenes could’ve used more zing! In the form of a Red Bull or something.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix * * *(WARNING: SOME SPOILERS)

It just seems like they didn’t try. Thank God for matinee pricing!

It’s true that this film franchise gets darker with each passing movie. It certainly has a strong beginning: Harry and his evil bully cousin get attacked by those grim-reaper looking things from the last movie that try to suck out their souls. Harry raises his wand and uses magic in the mortal world thus inciting the anger of the Ministry in the form of expulsion from the Hogwart’s school. Some adult friends from his parents and even Dumbledore himself come to his aid.

But even the special effects weren’t enough to flag down my attention this time around. There was even the introduction of two new characters. One was the albino girl who kids mercilessly tease because she talks loopy, and then there’s the Asian girl who kisses Harry in the commercials. Both of whose names I can’t recall- it’s just that memorable. Also forgettable are their limited performances and, what was the reason for their appearance? I still don’t know and I sat through the bloody movie.

There was even a new headmistress Harry had to deal with. A crooked one who worked for the Ministry of um, whatever, that coordinates their witchy world. She did a great job as a villain. Harry was supposed to become enraged from oppression but came off like a total whiner. Old bad guys return in a spectacular ennui-induced gala of tiresome CGI effects, yawn.

What pissed me off about this movie is that the new Headmistress was there to vanquish the idea of Harry’s new magician army, which he trains for months within secret chambers inside the Hogwarts’ castle. So they train for months and for what? A mere fraction of that aid Harry in their final quest to save Sirius, who again gets himself into a pickle. And this guy is supposed to be more knowledgeable in magic than most of Harry’s professors. Whatever.

I saw on tv someone making a claim to JK Rowling that she now has more money than the Queen herself. Did she have a hand in writing the script? I found it to be an incredibly lackluster film. But I think it’s a mistake to keep recycling the directors. Know that most movies are shot out of sequence and this one certainly had the dynamics going in all directions giving me movie-motion-sickness. Look, stick to just one director and you’ll be fine. It’s why all the first three St"r W"rs movies did well. And too much CGI is why the last three St"r W"rs movies were harshly criticized, although to be fair CGI was never a problem in the Harry Potter films. Too many elaborate depictions of the absurdities of the fictional world they function in (such as the weird dragons they ride on, the moving staircases, etc.) and not enough focus on keeping a steady, strong storyline. I hope this is resolved by the next film or I’m saving my money.

Jesus Camp (documentary) * * * *

Exactly as it sounds like. A very disturbing look at the Midwestern parents that raise their kids with hardcore beliefs in Christian Evangelism. Some of the highlights of the film:

• They take it so far as to home-school their kids with special text-books and videos belittling the importance of science in their lives,
• They destroy the concept of evolution,
• they show a child that actually hand out pamphlets to strangers in bowling alleys,
• some of the kids exclusively listen to Christian rock,
• and for children between the ages of 4 – 12 they sure feel the spirit of the holy ghost rocking them into ecstasy and weird fainting and what appears to be convulsions
• Additionally the parents send them to these summer camps that preach Jesus non-stop
• They have demonstrations with barbie dolls they dress up like adam & eve
• They preach about the evils of abortion and show little plastic dolls that simulate a fetus in the developing stages, using them to abhor the atrocity that is abortion. Oh, and for some reason the old guy that passes around the fetus dollies gives me the uncomfortable impression of a child molester (my opinion only, but judge for yourself if he looks a little too happy around the kids). I hope they do background checks on these 'camp counselors'!
  
• One of the kids wears a mullet

I remember when I was 8 and my parents took me to a new Evangelist church, which included a basement for Sunday school. In it, I was handed cartoony pamphlets with bible quotes, and as soon as we exited the class, I was approached by some crazy cat-lady who screamed at my 8-yr. Old face “REPENT FOR YOUR SINS!” Scared me shit-less! And what sins does an 8-yr. Old have to repent for anyway? I told my mom and she was just too busy talking to other members of the congregation after mass was over so my pleadings all but ignored. She also took me to her cousin’s church, a very popular Baptist church we used attend for 7 hrs every Sunday where I first saw people convulsing and shaking like nut-jobs. Even then I rolled my eyes, and I do believe in God even though it’s been continuosly shoved down my throat by my folks for years (which turned me once into a religion hater but that's a fun story for another day) I still came to believe in the idea of God all on my own and without freak-jobs preaching to me. In other words, I'm don't agree on the whole with these prescribed methods of teaching the principles of Christ in the film to the children. I actually find it enfuriating, especially as a Christian.

Faith, I believe, is a personal journey and it shouldn’t be forced upon by anyone. Like any other religion, Christianity is no more than an idea in the eye of the beholder. It was never meant to be all fire and brimstone; it’s just a collection of stories with parables. A set of scripted ideas, some pretty good ones, of which to inspire morality. They should allow these young minds to find their own light, not have it force-fed down the soul hatch with the beer bong of fear and trepidation.

This documentary is creepy as hell. The kingpin that orchestrates these ‘nefarious’ (my word- tee-hee!) youth group activities is a rotund woman who drills the faith into the heads of the Sunday school children at an early age. It’s with frightening intensity and glee that she preaches to the kids. Look, if you want people to follow, don’t use shame and guilt. What is it they say about attracting bees with more honey than with vinegar? My friend made a very eerie similarity to the Jesus camp tactics…he likened them to those nutty n+zi youth. I was like, oh yeah…I guess she’s getting them while they’re young and impressionable?? Seriously, this movie makes you wanna punch that woman in her damn mouth and shake your head in disbelief. I'd be horrified if my children were being taught(brainwashed?) by someone like her! Now I don't remember any mention or appearance in the film of her having a husband and kids, but seems to me she could use a rabbitthabbitt or something...

Despite the directors’ noble effort to present this concept in a completely neutral, objectionable manner (which I commend), it’s definitely a WTF? Film.

Then again, isn’t that the objective of any documentary, to evoke a severe emotional response? Congratulations then, ‘cuz WTF?!!!

If you want to look up weirdo stuff that regular ol' Wikipedia doesn't have, then here's where to go!

http://www.urbandictionary.com/
Slang, trends, Chat-Room-Speak, you name it. All things pop-culture that standard encyclopedias don't carry.

http://wikileaks.org/
As the site states, "Wikileaks is developing an uncensorable Wikipedia for untraceable mass document leaking and analysis." Very interesting reading from whistle-blowers.

http://www.encyclopediaofstupid.com/stupid/index.php/Main_Page
Originally called WikiStupid (I think), a multi-resource encyclopedia of well, all things stupid.

THIS ONE IS 18+! NOT FOR CHILDREN UNDER 18!
http://www.wikiafterdark.com/index.php/WikiAfterDark
Like an online encyclopedia of everything relating to sex: sex toys, sexual positions, sex slang, articles related to sexual acts, etc.

http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Main_Page
Think if Wikipedia was in Bizzarro World; this site gives you all information of obscure facts and stories.

http://www.faqs.org/faqs/music/hip-hop/dictionary/part1/
Not part of Wikiverse, but here's where you can finally catch up on your ghetto dialogue.

Sorry for the delay. Shit came up.

So here's a long-ass list of wacky weirdo sites that are for um, circus-freaks like you and me! On the Weirdo-Meter, these rank in as meth-selling-carni-with-smoking-monkey creepy. As usual, just click on them.

The Unknown Highway

Top Ten (and Twenty) Comprehensive Lists of Weirdo Incidents

Interesting Fun And Useless Facts (set to some song from Donny Darko)

The Evil Scale

Damn Interesting (it lives up to it's name, I assure you)