MOVIE REVIEWS!!! (DUNN-DUNN-DUUUUUHHNN!)

So I either paid for these or rented them on Netflix and will give my honest, humble opinion.

Now I live next to New York City so I can definitely justify whether to cough up $11.50 (price is the same within a 4-mile radius) on a movie inside a big-ass theater full of effing ghetto freaks who bring in their 40's, their Nextel walkie-talkie phones which they WILL NOT SHUT OFF DURING THE DAMN MOVIE, and all the dumb-fucks that bring newborn babies to an R-rated film and will not take the poor infant outside to deal with the endless crying!!! Hey, it's called a BABYSITTER you asshole! If you can't deal with parenting then don't have children! You give up your social life for the next several years once you have kids, didn't anyone counsel you on what it means to raise a family? IT'S A 24/7 JOB YOU DON'T WALK AWAY FROM! EVER!

I love you Netflix!

Star rating system next to title, 5 stars being the highest. So w/out further ado, my reviews:

Batman Versus the Dracula* * * (WARNING: SOME SPOILERS)

I actually bought this one since I love this version of the Batman cartoons. Love the drawing style, love the humor and razor-sharp wit of the characters, love the voice actors, you get the pic. For the money, I thought that the running time of 84 min. was better than most animated movies, and thought this was a good investment as I already liked the tv show. A no-brainer, right?

The basic plot is this: A prison con pretends to end up in Arkham Asylum to avoid a jail sentence for robbery. He hides his stash in a cemetery mausoleum and tries to enlist help from the inside, from the Penguin to Joker. There’s a breakout, and predictably both Joker and Penguin race each other to the loot. Joker gets sidetracked fighting Batman and Penguin goes hunting for the treasure, only to accidentally uncover a sleeping Dracula. Hilarious hijinks ensue, and Batman has to put a stop to it.

It sounds like an interesting idea. I thought it was corny to include the Vicky Vale character. (remember her from the 1989 Batman movie?) I suppose she’s the love interest here, but the tv show stresses the bachelorhood of Bruce Wayne so much it doesn’t make sense to include the old-time ‘rescue the fair maiden’ formula. In fact, it felt kinda useless and that was made obvious as she was depicted throughout the movie as the stood-up date, showing hardly any meaningful connection between the two, much less a love connection (judge for yourself); I got the impression she was a supporting character that just adds filler. (well duh!) But she might as well have been just another one of his random escorts; Tina, Tammy or Tiffany would suffice. She didn’t have to be named Vicky Vale, the character that assigns a more meaningful plot device. Her importance was effortlessly squandered in this movie, but as a fan I hope to see more appearances by her even in the tv show.

The plot, the witty dialogue and sense of comedic timing of the animated characters is enough on it’s own to give strength to the movie. Highlights include Dracula crashing a Bruce Wayne party, Batman’s first introduction to Dracula, and The Joker’s rebirth as a ghoul. The final battle between the Dark Knight and the blood-sucker was tepid, but ok. But by the last two scenes I just felt that all the energy that was building up throughout the movie was all but zapped out like a deflating balloon. I won’t spoil the ending but let’s just say that the last two scenes could’ve used more zing! In the form of a Red Bull or something.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix * * *(WARNING: SOME SPOILERS)

It just seems like they didn’t try. Thank God for matinee pricing!

It’s true that this film franchise gets darker with each passing movie. It certainly has a strong beginning: Harry and his evil bully cousin get attacked by those grim-reaper looking things from the last movie that try to suck out their souls. Harry raises his wand and uses magic in the mortal world thus inciting the anger of the Ministry in the form of expulsion from the Hogwart’s school. Some adult friends from his parents and even Dumbledore himself come to his aid.

But even the special effects weren’t enough to flag down my attention this time around. There was even the introduction of two new characters. One was the albino girl who kids mercilessly tease because she talks loopy, and then there’s the Asian girl who kisses Harry in the commercials. Both of whose names I can’t recall- it’s just that memorable. Also forgettable are their limited performances and, what was the reason for their appearance? I still don’t know and I sat through the bloody movie.

There was even a new headmistress Harry had to deal with. A crooked one who worked for the Ministry of um, whatever, that coordinates their witchy world. She did a great job as a villain. Harry was supposed to become enraged from oppression but came off like a total whiner. Old bad guys return in a spectacular ennui-induced gala of tiresome CGI effects, yawn.

What pissed me off about this movie is that the new Headmistress was there to vanquish the idea of Harry’s new magician army, which he trains for months within secret chambers inside the Hogwarts’ castle. So they train for months and for what? A mere fraction of that aid Harry in their final quest to save Sirius, who again gets himself into a pickle. And this guy is supposed to be more knowledgeable in magic than most of Harry’s professors. Whatever.

I saw on tv someone making a claim to JK Rowling that she now has more money than the Queen herself. Did she have a hand in writing the script? I found it to be an incredibly lackluster film. But I think it’s a mistake to keep recycling the directors. Know that most movies are shot out of sequence and this one certainly had the dynamics going in all directions giving me movie-motion-sickness. Look, stick to just one director and you’ll be fine. It’s why all the first three St"r W"rs movies did well. And too much CGI is why the last three St"r W"rs movies were harshly criticized, although to be fair CGI was never a problem in the Harry Potter films. Too many elaborate depictions of the absurdities of the fictional world they function in (such as the weird dragons they ride on, the moving staircases, etc.) and not enough focus on keeping a steady, strong storyline. I hope this is resolved by the next film or I’m saving my money.

Jesus Camp (documentary) * * * *

Exactly as it sounds like. A very disturbing look at the Midwestern parents that raise their kids with hardcore beliefs in Christian Evangelism. Some of the highlights of the film:

• They take it so far as to home-school their kids with special text-books and videos belittling the importance of science in their lives,
• They destroy the concept of evolution,
• they show a child that actually hand out pamphlets to strangers in bowling alleys,
• some of the kids exclusively listen to Christian rock,
• and for children between the ages of 4 – 12 they sure feel the spirit of the holy ghost rocking them into ecstasy and weird fainting and what appears to be convulsions
• Additionally the parents send them to these summer camps that preach Jesus non-stop
• They have demonstrations with barbie dolls they dress up like adam & eve
• They preach about the evils of abortion and show little plastic dolls that simulate a fetus in the developing stages, using them to abhor the atrocity that is abortion. Oh, and for some reason the old guy that passes around the fetus dollies gives me the uncomfortable impression of a child molester (my opinion only, but judge for yourself if he looks a little too happy around the kids). I hope they do background checks on these 'camp counselors'!
  
• One of the kids wears a mullet

I remember when I was 8 and my parents took me to a new Evangelist church, which included a basement for Sunday school. In it, I was handed cartoony pamphlets with bible quotes, and as soon as we exited the class, I was approached by some crazy cat-lady who screamed at my 8-yr. Old face “REPENT FOR YOUR SINS!” Scared me shit-less! And what sins does an 8-yr. Old have to repent for anyway? I told my mom and she was just too busy talking to other members of the congregation after mass was over so my pleadings all but ignored. She also took me to her cousin’s church, a very popular Baptist church we used attend for 7 hrs every Sunday where I first saw people convulsing and shaking like nut-jobs. Even then I rolled my eyes, and I do believe in God even though it’s been continuosly shoved down my throat by my folks for years (which turned me once into a religion hater but that's a fun story for another day) I still came to believe in the idea of God all on my own and without freak-jobs preaching to me. In other words, I'm don't agree on the whole with these prescribed methods of teaching the principles of Christ in the film to the children. I actually find it enfuriating, especially as a Christian.

Faith, I believe, is a personal journey and it shouldn’t be forced upon by anyone. Like any other religion, Christianity is no more than an idea in the eye of the beholder. It was never meant to be all fire and brimstone; it’s just a collection of stories with parables. A set of scripted ideas, some pretty good ones, of which to inspire morality. They should allow these young minds to find their own light, not have it force-fed down the soul hatch with the beer bong of fear and trepidation.

This documentary is creepy as hell. The kingpin that orchestrates these ‘nefarious’ (my word- tee-hee!) youth group activities is a rotund woman who drills the faith into the heads of the Sunday school children at an early age. It’s with frightening intensity and glee that she preaches to the kids. Look, if you want people to follow, don’t use shame and guilt. What is it they say about attracting bees with more honey than with vinegar? My friend made a very eerie similarity to the Jesus camp tactics…he likened them to those nutty n+zi youth. I was like, oh yeah…I guess she’s getting them while they’re young and impressionable?? Seriously, this movie makes you wanna punch that woman in her damn mouth and shake your head in disbelief. I'd be horrified if my children were being taught(brainwashed?) by someone like her! Now I don't remember any mention or appearance in the film of her having a husband and kids, but seems to me she could use a rabbitthabbitt or something...

Despite the directors’ noble effort to present this concept in a completely neutral, objectionable manner (which I commend), it’s definitely a WTF? Film.

Then again, isn’t that the objective of any documentary, to evoke a severe emotional response? Congratulations then, ‘cuz WTF?!!!